What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:19
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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So whats the point in blame.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But, we were locked up after school.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What ended your relationship with your best friend?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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She married twice! .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I said to her
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Would this be the day?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I have no regrets .
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!